You could call it eavesdropping, but I prefer to think of it as people-watching with better audio. While on the bus to work today, I overheard two parents discussing their kids. The mom wasn’t sure how to handle her older son’s teenage tantrums and worried that her younger child was picking up bad habits from his brother.

The dad stayed quiet through it all. No words, just the occasional “hmm” whenever she said something that struck a chord.

Joseph, the older son, had started ignoring her. Just last night, he walked away mid-conversation. Another “hmm” from the dad. She mentioned that she was heading to school later for a parent-teacher meeting about Joseph’s declining grades and poor attitude.

Their one-sided conversation got me wondering what therapy looks like for mothers? Do they even have time to go to therapy? How would I respond if I were her therapist?

When she came into my office an hour after that bus ride, I asked her what her husband thought of their son’s behavior. She said he knew about it, which was obvious since she had just narrated his every action to him. She told me he comforts her and promises to talk to Joseph later. 

I wonder if a simple “hmm” can truly be comforting. Or is it just enough to avoid an emotional outburst in public? I also wonder how that evening’s talk would go, if words would actually be exchanged between the emotionally distant teenager and the mostly silent father. I mean, if she had to narrate for 30 minutes straight, something tells me he isn’t fully there.

I asked her about David, the younger son, and how he was picking up Joseph’s habits. She sighed and told me about the other night. When she called David in for dinner, he said “no” and walked away to keep playing outside. I told her, “At least he’s using his words.”

I thought about how different that scene would have been if it were me, growing up in a Nigerian household. Saying no was almost unheard of. The boldness to turn your back and walk away? That might have earned you an “agbara”—a slap to reset your brain to factory settings.